Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
