Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Randomize
