I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
