The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
