you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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