drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize