Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
