Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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