Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
