I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
