my phone needs a breathalizer
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We talked him into tasing himself.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
