they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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