I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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