Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I need to stop coming to work sober
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
