Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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