apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
