Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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