Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
