I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
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