Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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