Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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