He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
