He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
