Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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