I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
