wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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