If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
