we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
