My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
please come you make the beer taste better
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
