Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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