Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
