Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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