That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
