Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
