Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
