They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
