i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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