it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
