So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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