sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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