And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize