Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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