Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
