i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
