i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
