Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I didn't notice because vodka
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize