Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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