I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
