I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Randomize
