So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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