I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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