You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
