She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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