Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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