i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
