I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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