do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
