Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
