the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
