the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
