remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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