My nipple is on Facebook.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
