Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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