You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
