This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
