You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
