Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
