Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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