I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
