WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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