You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
