i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
