I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
