I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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