i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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