The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
